it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
