Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
