If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
