i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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