I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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