Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
