Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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