Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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