I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
