I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
