4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
