dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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