I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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