I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
