I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.