Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
