my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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