worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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