There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I will pee on everything he values.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
