and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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