On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
