i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
