im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
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you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
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My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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