Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
