My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
