guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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