I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
