I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
