Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
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I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
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my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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