My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
