went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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