My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
