plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
