if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
