Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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