i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
