It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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