just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize