he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
