i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
