Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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