Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
