The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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