I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
