My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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