I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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