I think my vagina is haunted
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
