you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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