Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
