you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize