My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
