how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
