see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
