So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
