I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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