ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
