I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
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I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
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But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....