you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
